Four Reasons why a man withdraws in a relationship?

22 Jul

Why does a man withdraw in a relationship?

Here are four possible scenarios:

1. He realizes that though he may like you a
lot — maybe even “love” you — he’s either just
plain not ready for a real relationship, or he
doesn’t feel that you’re his “one.”

2. He’s still “into” you, but the vibe that
you’re putting out towards him is so strong (it may
feel needy, desperate, clingy, controlling,
overwhelming to him…), he’s instinctively
leaning away from you and trying to maintain the
emotional distance he needs in order to feel safe
and comfortable with you.

He may have actually stopped enjoying the time
he’s spending with you and using most of his
energy to protect himself from what he may see as
your expectations, your needs or — and this is a
very powerful way to push a man away — your

***And I don’t mean the FEELING of anger, or you are
letting him know that you feel anger, but the way
you show him your anger.

If the way you handle your strong emotions
always ends up being all about him, and those
emotions get dropped all over him — like a
lecture, a teaching moment, a complaint, an
expression of constant disappointment in the way
he is or the way he behaves, he may simply be
giving up and instinctively (without even knowing
it himself) trying to actually get away from you.

3. He is a toxic man. He’s just playing with
you, whether he knows it or not, or he is simply
incapable of a real relationship.

4. Things have become stalled for you because
the emotional connection isn’t going any deeper.

This means that instead of building intimacy,
you’re sort of staying within each of your own
“comfort levels.”

Things are “nice,” but they’re not thrilling.

He may like you and love you, but he just
hasn’t been pulled over the edge into falling in
love with you.

And so — he’s confused, he doesn’t know what
to do, he’s afraid of leading you on and feeling
guilty, and he’s angry.

He doesn’t know what to do with all the
emotions he feels as the intimacy between you is

And this problem is something you can fix!

You can fix it by working to get into your own
emotions and express them in a way that he will
find totally mesmerizing.

The power of your emotions is an amazing thing.

And it’s the thing we women have all been
taught to ignore!

We’ve been taught to “hide our light under a
barrel,” and hide our emotions — which are
exactly the same thing.

Our emotions ARE our “light.”

We’re taught to act more like a man —
“reasonable” — and what that ends up doing is
completely blocking love, chemistry, and intimacy.

What we think is emotion — like getting angry
with him, feeling hurt — is really just a
defensive reaction to our real honest-to-goodness

And sometimes (in fact most of the time), our
anger and hurt come, not so much from what he’s
done, but from what we expect — and how much
energy and effort we’ve been putting out towards

Solution: Back off, let him come to you…and don’t
get yourself tied up in a knot just because his
behaviour is different towards you…perhaps he
is just in his cave and needs to be there….but
remember even a caveman will get hungry and
come out eventually..even if its just to eat 😉

Have a nice day… 😎 B


10 Responses to “Four Reasons why a man withdraws in a relationship?”

  1. Jessica 22/07/2009 at 12:17 am #

    I was never very good at the “waiting” part…but it paid off in the end. 🙂

  2. sunshine 22/07/2009 at 12:28 am #

    Awesome post! I have a post in my blog that somewhat the same thought as yours. I agree with you that women must let the guy come to them..control emotions.. These reasons are true. Really true. That’s why before coming in to a commitment, be sure that the guy really really love you that he beg for your love and respect. 🙂

    Great post!

    • justbarbara 22/07/2009 at 1:19 am #

      LOL thanks…glad you enjoy…totally agree with both of you 🙂

  3. Linda Maniez 20/09/2011 at 7:59 am #

    I have just cried because two days ago when we met he wasn’t affectionate enough. He didn’t put his arm around me or kiss me. I have no idea why….but backing up may be worth trying. Hmmm….. sounds like “hide and seek”. It can be fun and there is nothing to lose. If he still loves me, he will get out of his cave. If he doesn’t, I’ll focus on some people who ALWAYS brighten up my days: my boss, colleagues, even the office boys.

    • justbarbara 28/11/2011 at 2:05 am #

      Backing away is the best option in this case sadly. If he has put you by the side of the field here giving you crumbs of attention when it suits him why should you be so lovey dovey back. Let him come to you. Let him pursue you. I agree with your last statement. If he does love you he will come out of the cave and if not don’t let it get you down and fill your life up with other people/friends who make you happy and distract you from getting hurt.

  4. Tami 04/09/2012 at 7:46 pm #

    Hi, I stumbled on your blog and found comfort in the ‘what actually makes a man fall in love with you?’ piece. I have been searching for similar stories to mine.

    I am 29, an achiever in terms of my education and artistic pursuits and by all accounts very pretty. The young men I have been involved with don’t get attached to me. In 3 cases it was clear, in hindsight, that they wanted sex without much commitment. In the last case, he was mentally unwell with depression and mania. But in all cases they’ve lost interest after 1-2 months of intensively calling, texting and spending generous amounts of time with me.

    The guy (24) I am involved with now, similarly pursued me after I directed/employed him in a theatre show. We live in the same area but an hour apart and for two months we visited each other every fortnight. When we spent time together it was so easy and relaxed and fun – we share the same loves, interests and sense of humour while both being quite down to earth. He called most nights during the first two weeks while he was away working hard and rehearsing until late. I felt adored. But after the first month, I had to initiate contact if I wanted to be in touch. It has been three months now but we had not seen each other for a month until last week due to his commitments and lack of money. I offered to visit him as I am financially stable but he evaded the offer I made in texts and calls. Recently, he texted me goodnight saying he was too tired to stay up talking. I scanned twitter before i went to bed and found that he was chatting with his last ex girlfriend who dumped him because she ‘gets bored quickly.’ I felt slighted and sent an email explaining this and how it compounded with the lack of enthusiasm from him about my visitin. When I saw him because of work last week he explained that he hadn’t actually felt enthusiastic and had been feeling that way for 3 weeks or so at least. He said he enjoys my company and its not because of my looks. He just ‘isn’t feeling it.’
    After I told him that I’d never felt so comfortable around anyone, he suggested that we keep phone chatting between rehearsals as we are now working on a project together for two months and will be seeing each other weekly. He suggested we see where we’re both at when the project ends.

    This position is painfully familiar to me – my two significant exs said they were attracted to me and cared for me as a friend but that they just didn’t feel anything else after a short while. One said he thought he could never love me.This current man seemed to appreciate my beauty as an individual and be happy just to be around me to the point where I felt totally secure and let all my barriers down. What has happened? I find it hard to get my head around. Although he never did compliment me much, other than professionally and said he wanted to ‘take things slow.’ In the beginning he did admit that he has avoided getting close to people for fear of getting hurt because his first long term girlfriend cheated on him. He said he would like to get that close to someone again. That is the reason I felt safe getting involved.

    Any thoughts? Apologies for going on and on…I’m beginning to wonder if I scare them away by being honest when I feel disrespected and perhaps by being to reliable, available and predictable with the contact and emotional support I offer them. Is mystique essential to maintaining chemistry?


    • justbarbara 26/09/2012 at 11:09 am #

      If ‘he isn’t feeling it’ then let him go – really you would be better off and don’t let this upset you. Don’t even over-analyze it… I know it will hurt that’s why. We are all human and this is so unfair that any woman ever has to be given this line. He suggested phone chatting cos he wants to keep you like a back-up option. I would refuse this. Up to you obviously. The whole take things slow line is another classic. He is not sure whether he wants to commit to you or not so rather than tell you simply that because he fears your reaction he tells you this line. Okay so even if his gf cheated on him etc he should not take his past woes into your relationship….he is effectively bringing his excess baggage from the previous relationship into your for scaring them away…I think the problem is the men. They fear you as you are more intelligent than they are – you know what you want in a man and that intelligence alone simply intimidates them!! If you feel disrespected then let them go…why put up with that?? You probably are too reliable and available as well – I think you have to always keep them wondering a bit in order to maintain chemistry…why not try being less available and make them work to have your time?? see if that helps!! like I say if they are not treating you right…why stick around? there are plenty of men in this world you want to worship you….remember less is more 🙂 so don’t let any of this knock you down…and I am glad you found comfort even if it had to be here!! Have a nice day.xx

    • Nobuhle Ndlovu 20/12/2012 at 4:18 pm #

      Tami I relate to your stories 100%. The question is why. I can’t find the answer.

  5. miss 13/09/2012 at 6:49 pm #

    how long do we have to wait? because everyday is a struggle to get thru

    • justbarbara 26/09/2012 at 11:00 am #

      Miss – you don’t have to wait at all. If every day is a struggle and your inner gut it telling you something is not right then chances are – its not right!! and you would be actually better off if you left the situation you are in…until he can prove to you that his feelings are otherwise…hugs.

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