Getting angry at the one you love never helps

13 Dec

I wanted to write another relationship article so here it goes and I hope it helps anyone who likes these! 🙂 I think some of this info can apply to both genders. So here is my two cents worth! hope you enjoy…B

Are you feeling angry at him or your loved one? If so, let’s take a closer look at the possible reason for doing so.

So I guess in the beginning, “things started out great.” You met a guy, and he was very interested in you – at first. You were interested in him right back. Woooo..how exciting. And it didn’t take long for you to become thrilled about what was happening in your life.

That’s about the exact time that he then started to gradually back off. Like throwing on a light switch, things rapidly changed and I am not talking about a blown bulb light ladies and gentlemen! 😎 His initial enthusiasm turned into cautiousness. And maybe he started saying things such as “I don’t deserve you” and “I’m not ready for a relationship because….” and the usual bag of reasons men give (and women too, when they are the ones falling out of love).

Yet he’s not completely out of your life, either. And just when you get fed up and try to make a clean break, that’s exactly when his enthusiasm seems like it did in the beginning. Step right up now as the circus has arrived.

So you get happy again because you think things are now back to normal but you are still not certain. Once again – he backtracks
on his words and actions.

(Reading this should tell you that if this has happened to you, you are most definitely not alone! It happens so often all around the globe that is prob why people google looking for the answers I guess, statistically it can happen at any age, usually from 13 to 103.) However I was thankfully a late bloomer – dater so I didn’t bother in my teens…

Anyway, let’s talk about ONE part of this – your frustration with him starts to occur slowly…why because of his back-and-forth, confusing ways – mixed messages/signals. This frustration can easily turn into anger too because deep down you feel that he’s not treating you right.

But is that all? nope..Things have changed, and he is now treating you in keeping with his current feelings about you – which at this point, are ambivalent.

They’re ambivalent because YOU changed. You’re not the girl he was seeking out. Now you’re the girl who is just merely “there for him.” But he’s no longer there! YIKES..you still keep calm though…why??

Well the fact of the matter is, is it REALLY going to help when you get angry and tell him that you insist on being treated the way he did in
the beginning – when he was crazy about you? I know logically that makes complete rational sense but the situation is not a rational one, is it? nope.

However on the flip side, it’s natural to get angry when a guy is making your heart work overtime. But showing that anger to him is only going to make matters worse. I understand you may feel better getting it off your chest but it will actually do more damage than good.

Don’t get tripped up on “I need to be able to show him how I feel.” If you do that – you will disturb him more MOST of the time.

Maybe. Maybe not. But why risk it? What is your goal right now? –
to talk about your feelings, or to see the excitement in his eyes about you again? you can’t make him feel that way if he choses not to neither should you take it personally if he acts this way.

I know that being able to tell someone all of your feelings can be part of a close relationship with a man. But realistically the sad reality of nowadays is, it has no place in the courtship process, unless you’re trying to get rid of him!!!

Find another outlet for sharing all your feelings ladies. A therapist, a good friend, a secret diary, or your devoted doggy. I’m serious. Get those feelings out – just not with him. One of my dear friends Rosa has not one doggy but two doggies…and they are adorable. Anyway, you’re a LONG way from that point in your relationship. You don’t want to scare him off or bore him to tears with a multitude of emotions. Guys process information differently to us and their attention spans differ.

Guys always state that women get to this point where, to them, love means treating him like your shrink. Yes ladies, I read about this recently in one of my many books that are in my flat. Yet somehow you think in your mind, but hey he’s supposed to want that, not back away from you.

Men can see this coming a mile away and for them I guess it stinks! It seems so inevitable with most women they start seeing. First you were this wonderful woman – short of being a princess…they were absolutely excited about. Now they find out that you are a basket case. Great..not what you want I bet! Anyway you still go on…why…because you have this deep need to articulate the real you,
and the only acceptable reaction from him is to love you all the more or so you think! In your mind you do this, as you believe somehow that this will prove to you that he really cares. Instead, he backs off from you;why?? he thinks to himself: he didn’t know you were that needy; he didn’t think you were going to get serious SO soon. So he backs
away, and you come to the conclusion that he must be a jerk who just wanted one thing. Or else you realize where you went wrong and you start trying to fix it. But in this process of fixing it, you do more damage to your self-esteem…don’t go there…

Anyway, when he starts backing away, you panic and try to hold on to him somehow, by putting up with being in the margins of his life. Then suddenly one day, he appears to lose respect for you, because he knows that you’re lowering YOUR standards from that of what you really want.

A man or woman will treat you the way you allow him/her to – in
95 out of 100 cases. But when you see him start to pull away, you feel hurt and angry – let down and rehearsing in your head why. The fact is the ‘why’ world can end up making you feel more miserable!! so don’t go there. WHY?? well lets break this down….When he treats you like a “spare” girlfriend and believe me that is what you have become!!, you then get angry with him and yourself. You’re angry because of the way
he’s treating you – but at the same time a part of you is angry at yourself as you have allowed him to treat you this way BUT you can learn from your mistakes or so the old saying goes. He then feels even more guilty, and says again that you deserve someone better.

But he backed away for a reason. Remember, he started out very enthusiastic about you. What happened?

Chances are, it was because you were ahead of him in the emotions department, and out of “love,” you wanted to show him how much you care. So you did little things to please him, maybe you cooked for him on a regular basis etc. BUT he got spoiled and started to undervalue this and stopped being romantic because he thought he didn’t have to keep to be like this…

But he wasn’t at that same emotional dept. point in the road just yet.
He needed to be doing the leading the trek of the heart but you were ahead of him in the leading dept too. He was ahead of you at first, but then you swiftly got ahead of him. Whereas before, he was previously enjoying the moments and the good times you were sharing, now you are looking for signs of how serious he is about you for the long term – which is MUCH farther down the road for him. And it should be for you too!

Some women say, “I can’t allow him to treat me like this, and I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.” YEAH…that will show him or so they think. BUT then they have a scolding session with him, in which he’s the star Bad Boy, and you become the Mad Mama.

You can imagine how much that DOESN’T help to rekindle the original flame. Put yourself in his place if you can – it really will help. He prob is thinking OMG… what am I with?

Here’s where it may get worse:

You may give him a speech telling him you refuse to be treated like that – but then at that v same time, you quickly contradict yourself with your actions, in which you continue to put up with his lack of interest, hoping things will improve.

You continue to allow him to treat you like a “spare” girlfriend, someone he sees when he’s in the mood, not necessarily when you are either…but what he is ACTUALLY doing is biding his time until a new woman kindles that enthusiasm he had with you in the early part of the relationship. But you are blinded by him as your sense of attachment and emotion increases at the spec of hope that illuminates before your eyes.

How can you stop this cycle without a confrontation that only makes matters worse? perhaps he is not a good communicator…oh no..and you can’t say any of this as he will get scared or run away etc.
But so what if he runs away!!! WHY??

He’s put you in the margins of his life, BUT you don’t realize it at the time…because you are so consumed by him…the fact of the matter is if he has put you on the sidelines of the pitch…then he should now be in the margins of yours – without any discussion.

SHOW him with your actions what you will and won’t put up with. Set the boundaries in the beginning if possible. And show him without adding anger and hurt feelings to the mix. Always calm, cool and collected.

For example, you have a breakup…then one day he calls… can he call you at the last minute, and you’ll drop everything to see him or pick your phone, making things as convenient for him as possible?

The answer should be no, no no no.. you must retain your self-respect and you will only do that by not reacting to his every beck and call! Romantic love has different dynamics than “unconditional love.” Confusing those two kinds of love gets a lot of women angry and unhappy with the results.

Show him that you don’t wait by the phone; you have a life and friends and things to do, whether he is around or not.

You don’t scold him for not being around, because you are busy having your own full life and believe me you can! You don’t tell him that if he’d only called you sooner, you could have seen him.

You don’t really think he’s so dumb that you need to say this, now do you??

You show him that you feel no obligation to take care of HIS emotions, because you’re not his mother, not his wife, and not his fiance. Even if you currently act like one with him!

And you do all of that with a smile. You also can’t talk right now because you’re on your way out. And you don’t tell him when he can call you back. Stop making it easy for him! That does NOT work.
And take care of your appearance. Don’t let yourself go to tat because you are feeling down and sad!

You give him room to pursue you, but you avoid the “expectations” talk. If he stops pursuing you, then you don’t ask him if he’s no longer interested – you assume that he is NOT. Its really THAT simple. And you keep your life going the whole time. Keep busy.

You haven’t heard the last of him if you act this way. If he flakes out on you again, you write him off for good this time – without
telling him why. You just refuse any further invitations to see him romantically. Why – because you have to protect your heart from getting hurt over and over again…you need to avoid him for your sake!

If he then keeps asking to see you, then just see him as a friend, for just a quick visit at the local coffee house – and you leave first
because you have to be somewhere.

He can then start earning back your time, little by little – if he’s really up for that. In the meantime, you never put your romantic life on hold for him! because 99% of the time, he is sure as hell prob not doing that for you even if he tells you he has done that in his past.

Do not commit to a man in the hope that he will then be inspired to commit to you. That will make him think that other men have rejected you for some reason, and that he’s your last hope. You know that is prob not the case. He knows he has smelly socks, so he doubts your taste in people if you think he’s that wonderful ALREADY. He hardly had time to prove this to you. And he would have enjoyed pursuing you. But you sadly took that away from him due to your youthful eagerness, but
he still needs that process in order to convince himself that you’re the one. But you’re already at marriage-level devotion BEFORE he actually is. But this then in turn makes no sense to him except to show him that you’re not thinking straight and maybe you’re a little desperate. He wants a woman who is anything but desperate or fixated on him before he has earned it. Is it possible to fix things if you feel you have messed up. One word: Yes. Why? well..to err is human. To recover from a past
mistake with a guy is… simply divine!

Patience is the virtue of the wise person. Install some more into the database called the mind. You are in control of everything..but your mind can obscure the reality. Stay positive and always keep your cool with anyone you love. You will feel the better person for doing so!
Have a nice day….B

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