‘I love you but I am not in love with you’

23 Jun

I wanted to write a dating drama/relationship topic about this statement if I may be so bold to do so. Have I struck an evil sounding chord with some of you out there by stating it in a post? well forgive me – I do not want to cause upset to anyone – in fact I just wanted to merely put this weird phenomenon up to debate.

Example One
You’re dating a guy and from what you can tell, things seem to be going really well – perfect – almost too good to be true. Ok, fine, if you MUST admit it, you have a few teeny weeny doubts…but its totally normal – lets call them teething probs…anyway you suddenly start to notice the following and this ladies and gentlemen is how you can tell when he/she is in love with you but not actually in love with you at that given point in time because perhaps there is someone else in the loop that they are still too keen on – please note the following actions in order to avoid this from blowing up and landing in your lap like a bag of frozen peas:

* He’s spending a lot less time with you than he used to (e.g. your
regular Saturday night date has been replaced with a guys’ night out.)

* He’s not as affectionate with you as he was when he pursued you and wanted you.

* Whenever you ask him about future plans – he dodges the question. Why? because he simply doesn’t know yet which way his heart beats. So you know what leave him alone until he/she REALLY knows himself/herself. What other option do you have? I guess that is why the old saying goes within time you get your real answers.

* Sure, there are a few more red flags but you don’t want to get into it. Why? because this is totally bumming you out.

Still, you’re pretty shocked when he sits you down and says, “We have to talk.” (Especially because he NEVER wants to “talk” when things are totally up in the air and he doesn’t REALLY totally know yet.) He convinces himself in his head that he does in fact know and so

Then he says those dreaded ten words:

“I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” or “I can’t help loving her but I like you as a friend” – adapt to suit your predicament.

You feel like you’ve been hit on the head with a frying pan.

Ummmm…what??? What exactly does THAT mean???

Now I’ve seen this time and time again — with many a good friend of mine – I name no names…and all of the aforementioned friends affected by this statement definately do not deserve this treatment and know only too well the unnecessary misery it can trully cause. He then even may worry you now hate him or think less of him..but aren’t love and hate similar in a lot of ways? I think honesty is important and its no problem if a person needs to level something off with you or square up with you in terms of how they really feel – in fact that I encourage because without communication and interaction – the trust will sadly diminish over time.

When a woman senses that there is major trouble in her dating relation, she has the amazing ability to grasp at straws but if you sadly take a much needed step back from the situation you get the reality — what happens normally is because the woman LIKES the man so much she ends up making excuses for this man — in an effort to still keep things in her mind together.

“Well, hey. It’s not the end of the world. We can work through this,” she thinks. “After all, he does LOVE me! He’s just [distracted with work / got a lot on his mind / been feeling a little depressed lately / got issues with his lady friends / insert your convenient excuse here]. I just need to help him fall back IN LOVE with me. Now how do I do that?”

The thing is, deep down, we all really do KNOW what that means.

“I love you but I’m not IN love with you” means “It’s over.”

I am sure its true to say that most men hate to disappoint women — especially ones they seem to care about. And ALL men hate to see women cry. It probably makes them feel utterly helpless, I don’t know..
I can not say…but they probably also get panicked, and desperate to find the closest exit. Same goes for either gender. Which is why they’ve come up with this confusing line, in the hopes of letting you down easy.

It’s one of several lines men use when they know they need to end something but don’t want to hurt you (truthfully, sometimes WE use these on men too, don’t we?):

* “It’s not you, it’s me.”

* “I just need some time to sort out my own issues.”

* “I’ve been so hurt in the past; I just don’t know if I’m capable of
being in a relationship.”

* “I want you in my life, we just can’t be exclusive.”

I could go on… he/she might even call you by another woman’s name 😦

Now if you find yourself faced with this awkward conversation, unfortunately you have no control over what your guy SAYS.

The good news is, you DO have control over YOUR ACTIONS.

So what SHOULD you do? Nothing. Leave him be. He made his choice and it was just not you. Why be sore or bitter? Its after all his loss. If a man or a woman wants you – he/she will make it so!!! even after all of this nonsense. So why do anything?

Does it just all mean that you’re an idiot to actually believe him in the first place then?

Of course you’re not an idiot. However, you ARE setting yourself up
for pain and disappointment if you don’t see your man/woman’s words and
actions for what they REALLY are:

His/her escape plan.

But give yourself some credit here…your intuition is right on. In
your heart, you know this to be true.

So I know this will be painful, but let’s face the truth right now
(we’ll do it together). Like ripping off a Band-Aid, it will hurt
less if you do it quickly.

“I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you” means that he/she’s breaking up with you. FACT – case closed…next! I’m sure he does care about you a great deal, but it doesn’t mean that there’s hope to mend your relationship. You’ll be much better off if you come to terms with the fact that it’s over. If he wanted you really then why on earth would he even risk to make you go away from him forever if after all you do happen to make him feel special when you are around him???

As I mentioned a moment ago, although you don’t have control over
what he says, you DO have control over what YOU DO.

We have noted above that “he calls everyday but says he doesn’t want a relationship.”
Although the saying goes that “actions speak louder than words,”
regardless of the fact that he’s calling you, it just doesn’t get
any louder or clearer than “I don’t want a relationship.”

If YOU want a relationship, then YOU have a choice. Do NOT take his
phone calls until he knows what he wants – until he clears that up with you, until
you are happy with what he has presented to you. Self preservation can be required here
along with a heavy dose of much needed patience.

I know it’s tough because you miss him/her, but staying in contact with him/her
will not change his mind and make him/her want to get back together.

Here are some reasons why he/she might still be calling you after saying this statement:

* He wants the option of hooking up with you when he feels like it
(No thank you! If you allow it you will only confuse yourself, hurt you,
and keep you from healing your heart and moving on to someone who
actually DOES want a relationship.)

* He misses you and still wants to be able to talk to you
(Sorry, pal…Your amazing conversation skills are reserved for the
lucky guy you’re in a RELATIONSHIP with!)

* He wants to date other people but keep in touch with you in case
he realizes that he made a mistake and wants you back.
(No way! He had his chance with you and if he wasn’t sure, well,
too bad! You’re nobody’s second choice.)

* He might even want his other friend who fancies you to have a go
at dating you – who knows – but either way its kinda unfair as all you
have ever been to the guy is nice.

So cut him off now and start focusing on taking care of YOU. Don’t YOU
deserve to be no.1? No woman wants the guy to just blow smoke at them.

My best advice is to STOP focusing on him/her — what he/she’s thinking, what
he/she really wants, what his/her actions mean — and begin to put the focus
where it belongs: on YOU.

* YOU DO deserve everything you want out of a relationship.

* YOU DO NOT have to settle for scraps from a man or a woman who is incapable of
spending the appropriate amount of time with you and committing to you exclusively.

– AND –

* If you are willing to do some challenging work to look within
yourself to learn the lessons from your breakup…

* …YOU WILL heal your heart, have the strength to move on, AND build
a real relationship with a wonderful man/woman who is completely, utterly
IN LOVE with YOU!

If you break free now – you protect your heart from any further heartbreak
and guess what in just one month you can fix your situation as long as you
keep your head together…we can all to easily buy into a pipe dream…
Everything we get is after all just a bonus.

If we are happy in our own lives we don’t need to be with anyone anyway…
better to be happy and alone then to be someone’s second choice. I think
this type of situation can be fixed though but its upto the individual involved
to make amends… so I don’t totally write it off – but I would go cold because
you need to keep your self-respect especially since all you have ever done is
care for them – why not care for yourself this time?! have a nice day…

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2 Responses to “‘I love you but I am not in love with you’”

  1. swissknifev 23/06/2010 at 6:15 pm #

    I never understood this crap of IN love and LOVE. Yep, I’ve heard it a lot of times. Anyway, i’ve lost my faith in love long ago. It sounds nice in fairy tales – to me. I am sure there are a lot of people who believe in it. Lucky for them. I mean beyond movies does it exist?

    • justbarbara 02/07/2010 at 1:50 am #

      I think it does exist but its merely the luck of the draw with these type of situations so I guess its best to not lose hope in the future!! 😉

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