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The meaning of “Love” – a rant for my good friend

28 Jan

Going to write a post about love – this is dedicated to one of my friends in case she is not sure if what she has is the real deal or not. Let’s break this down shall we…

LOVE is action.

LOVE is never about EXCUSES.

(Excuses some people KNOW are excuses some people have had since they can spend their whole life almost DODGING having to answer anyone truthfully and are almost always about BUYING TIME.)

Love is thoughtful.

Love is NOT disrespectful like being late….not calling WHEN they said they would and NOT making everything about them, their wants, their needs etc.

Love is NOT about bed jumping….love is not about making oneself happy. However it is up to us, to control our own happiness.

Love is about doing little and big things that you know makes someone’s life easier and being there to add something positive to the mix.

Love is knowing that you are giving and receiving equally and not being taken advantage of.

ALL EXCUSE makers or those who PROMISE SOMEDAY or ONE DAY “IT” will be all different  who use phrases like “we will see” or “whatever” that equals NO most of the time……or the people who just make you WAIT and don’t give up on them are ALL con artists who know JUST WHAT to say to BUY time which means in essence waste yours. Do you want that? hell no.

Life is short and needs to be spent with a man or a women who is faithful-truthful-kind and not self centered. If you do not have that……….YOU are not being loved. So if you want to be loved you know what you have got to do. I hate this expression but I am going to say it in this instance simply “do the needful” for yourself – now obviously everyone’s situation is different out there but I am sure some of the points above ring home for some sadly. Its not a selfish thing either to review your love. You have to really weigh up the facts of what you can and can not tolerate in the long run.

Whatever your predicament just remember the following:

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Video

Signs your marriage or couple is failing and what to do to get out of it !!!

11 Apr

I think this video is absolutely wonderful in terms of helping people out – its got to go up on my blog… it shows anyone who may be suffering heart ache right now precisely how things can go wrong in a relationship – be it a couple or a marriage and well I always think awareness is critical/key to fixing anything that fails over time. I think the trick to getting out of the ‘bog’ you need to ACCEPT and make the decision together to divorce yourself from the old relationship that didn’t work and restore and start off afresh by accepting you can’t go on the way it currently is… and essentially give yourself space and time and it will heal naturally between you both – have faith – have hope – be happy with yourself (also critical) and LEARN from it all that way you get out of the hell you may be experiencing at the moment. I hope this one post helps a tonne of people out there. Have a nice day!! – Love Just Barbara xoxo

11 Relationship tips to remember…

13 Mar

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.
But what is more painful is to love someone and never
find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who
means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was
never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a
porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

4. It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose
it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been
missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an
hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it
takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don’t go for looks, they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth,
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you
smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day
seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,
be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and
one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other’s shoes. If you feel that it
hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck
a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may
heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best
of everything they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with
a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,
you’re the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Video

Foals My Number :))

13 Mar

The Art of Knowing…

25 May

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The Art of Knowing

When to let go has always been hard for me. Frankly, I am one who exhausts all efforts to try to resolve any situation, no matter how long it may take……

When to understand the signs staring you in the face that anything worth having comes at a cost, but not when that cost is far more than you can afford…….

When to say ‘Enough” and stop tripping over oneself in a foolish dance that begins and ends on the same note. Be it sharp or flat. The music stops and you are always the one left without the chair……

When to realize that the effort taken has been one sided and the return on the investment nil. Because you were dealt a loaded deck at the table, and everyone knew but you…..

When continuing an effort is not only futile, but damaging to one’s self, to their physical and emotional well being……

When you finally know the game is done and to even continue at this juncture is pointless……

When you figure out that despite protests to the contrary, no one will be there to catch you when you fall, even when you have been there so often to catch others……

When you see an untenable position, and finally understand that the game and it’s players, have bested you. and you are forced to lay your sword and your throat at the mercy of the game itself……

Knowing these things I think I always did in the back of my mind. Despite that I drudged on like an army that already knew it was defeated. I just could not admit it to myself until it had already been lost.

I have lost so much more than just this….so much, much more…….

The Rule of Three Lies

28 Nov

This is a quick post I want to pin up for a v good friend of mine – don’t want to name them but its simply about dating. I want to also say sorry to my blog readers. I have been off this blog for months having another baby. I thankfully have a baby boy – James. All is well. I finally replied to all the comments people made on the various blog entries. I am sorry if my reply has come late but you got one at least.

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The Rule of Three Lies

When considering a relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has.
One lie usually means one broken promise or a single neglected responsibiltiy or may be a misunderstanding instead. Two lies may involve a serious mistake.
But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the lynchpin of conscienceless behaviour.

Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets or your affection to a three-timer.

Agony Aunt advice – Should I stay or should I go?

10 Oct

I received this question in my e-mail from a girl who regularly reads my blog and thought if I pinned it up here it might help others who could be in this situation. She didn’t mind if I pinned it up and since its been an absolute age since I wrote my dating advice bit on my blog here goes…

Anonymous writes:

Q: I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for five years now, and have wanted to end it for perhaps the last 12 months. But I feel trapped.

I think my boyfriend is depressed. He sends me texts when he is drunk that make me worry about him, just stuff like he has no friends, no confidence, and never has a good night out without me. If we do head out for the night he just talks to me.

Even after five years, I barely know his friends. Professionally he’s stuck too, lacking self-confidence and dodging projects whenever he can. And again, I’m the only one he talks to about all this.

I love him and he’s my best friend. I want to be there for him, but not as a girlfriend. It’s not that I want another boyfriend. I just want some time by myself. I don’t want to constantly feel bad if I head out with the girls, or go home for the weekend.

I don’t want a relationship any more and this is quite independent of my boyfriend’s problems.

My fear of his loneliness and lack of confidence makes me reluctant to break his heart. And it will break his heart, because he tells me so. He also tells me to break it off if I’m unhappy, but he thinks it’s all to do with me wanting another boyfriend.

I want to travel, to do girly things, to live by myself and feel free. As things stand, I feel I can’t do any of these things. To avoid rows and hurt feelings, I turn down opportunities to do simple things such as seeing my friends.

I feel terrible that this is the way I see things, and I know I should tell my boyfriend. But I worry about what will happen to him.

I feel my life is passing me by. I also get dejected and upset quite frequently. I feel trapped.

A: Dear Anonymous, I hate to sound severe in my response to you but I feel I am going to have to as its quite clear from your mail that you are not happy with him. Of course you want another boyfriend. Sure, you haven’t got one lined up right now cos you still harbour residual feelings for him so you hang on in there hoping things will get better. And no, perhaps not another man, per se, is not the REAL reason you want out of your relationship. But let’s be clear here. You want a life. You want that life back – you feel your time is going to waste because your primary needs are not currently being met and that is because your bf is not in a position to help you ascertain those needs. Part of that life is love, marriage and children. So yes, you want someone else, sometime.

The reason I’m harping on this is to demolish guilt. At the moment you feel guilty — which is why you’re hanging in there. Your boyfriend knows this. He may be depressed but he’s not an idiot. He sees the truth. It’s guilt that binds you to him. He also knows that you want a life. You want out. He’s just not strong enough to send you on your way even though he knows there’s no self-respect possible in the status quo. Why? cos he is annoyed at himself for letting his own life go downhill but what he must realise is that its up to HIM to fix his situation – and its up to him to help himself and even though you can tell him all that and bring the horse to the water – you sadly can’t make him drink the water unless he wants to drink it. Just as you’re not strong enough to admit the truth to him, well not openly anyway cos a part of you hopes that the relationship will work out in the end and that he will overcome his problems. So instead he’s inviting you to leave, but in such a way that makes it difficult for you. And you’re pretending you just want to do girly things. Do you really want to do girly things? (or has he become gradually a bit more distant with you due to his depression?)

But that’s what we do in relationships. We try to get off the hook, while at the same time refusing to let the other person off the hook. Courage is just so hard, so we dodge it instead. The sad part is that in the process we are destructive, rather than kind. Your boyfriend is clearly depressed and dependent. Those two go intimately hand in hand. In mopping up his distress, you reinforce his dependency or worse his co-dependency. Certainly you mean well. But you are doing him no favours. Because it’s not him you are actually indulging. It is yourself. You don’t want to feel guilty. So you stay with him. You prob stay with him cos you love him too – 5 years is a long time, but things are so stale you are now clutching at whatever straws remain.

What’s so wrong with walking out on him? Has your presence brought any discernable change in his situation? Is it not at least possible that the crutch you provide has hindered him from doing something about his own distress? Could it even be that he remains so dependent because he feels, not without reason, that this is the best way to keep you hanging in there? He says that you leaving would break his heart. But maybe his heart needs breaking. We have to leave our comfort zone in order to heal. Sometimes the crutch has to go before we can change and change for the better.

It is, of course, manipulation on your boyfriend’s part to say his heart will be broken if you go. But just so you know, manipulation is not a dirty word. It’s what we all do, all the time, with everybody. We wind and weave. It’s called social intercourse, communicating, making life work. It’s his way of trying to get what he wants — maybe not what’s best for him, but what he wants. It’s your responsibility to make sure his words don’t deflect you from the truth, don’t trap you, to use your own phrase. That means facing your own weakness, which is the strong desire to be seen as good, and your faulty belief system that you are responsible for your boyfriend’s happiness. You are not. You are only responsible for your own happiness. Said differently, it’s your failure to face the fact that you are part of the problem. The crutch is always co-responsible.

Look, you are both trapped. And in terms of solving the problem you’re ahead, if nothing else because you bothered to ask for advice. Stop pussy-footing around. Stop trying to remain in your comfort zone by trying to insist that you stay close as a friend. Say goodbye. If he shows that he has fixed his own predicament and happiness in the meantime then its up to you whether you should take him back or not. I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear but you asked for advice, so from a safe emotional distance, you can give it too. Be a real friend to him. But go live your life and if you want back with each other that will happen anyway. After all, if it ain’t broke — it can’t be fixed and if its meant to be – it will be mended with time. My intention is not to upset you but just to say think about what I have said here and hopefully it will put things into perspective. If you have been thinking about breaking up for 12 months then you are being unfair to him by staying. What you do is upto you so you can take what I say or leave it – the choice is yours. I wish you both the best of luck in whatever you do decide to do in the end.

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